The news that a Communist Chinese naval vessel with surveillance facilities has been sailing in international waters (albeit part of our exclusive economic zone) not far off the coast of Australia near to some of our more sensitive naval facilities has been greeted with the proper expressions of horror by our Defence Minister, Lord Voldemort.
Proper that is, several days out from a federal election. Calling it a provocative act might not be diplomatic but it is probably a good short term way to drum up the fear and alarm of voters and corrale them in the right direction on Election Day.
This also coincides with denunciations about how Lord Voldemort’s current overlord, Prime Minister ScoMo, kept the negotiations on the AUKUS pact very hush hush, to the point where he not only did not adequately consult with the Federal Opposition in a timely manner (as required by US President Biden in one of his rare lucid moments), but apparently misled the French President (and cougar affectionado) Macron about our intentions in relation to the French submarine contract.
Well, right now we are a long way from acquiring any sort of submarine, be it French, British, or American, and with the Communist Chinese navy peeping over the horizon at our bases, we need a practical and immediate solution:
French scuba divers.
Since the end of the Second World War, few powers have had any experience in sinking hostile vessels in the Indo-Pacific region. The French are probably the exception to that rule. In 1985, in Auckland Harbour, two French scuba divers from their secret service successfully sank the Greenpeace protest vessel The Rainbow Warrior.
We do have some similar experience in wartime – Australian and British commandos successfully raided Singapore Harbour when it was occupied during the Second World War and sank a number of Japanese ships with limpet mines. But that was a lot longer ago. For panache and sheer effrontery, no one can compete with the French.
Let us mend our relations with Macron now. Let us hire some of his scuba divers in case the Communist Chinese send another ship into international waters near our shores.